Down the Rabbithole

A realisation that took metaphorical aeons coming into was that my being a part of Earth, no ordinary miracle. I downplayed this blessing, plenty in the past; I didn’t recognise the sheer specialness of what it meant to be an Earthling. Self-discovery has been the Ball of String guiding my journey — and seeing as we are transiting through the First House (Aries season), it drew my mind to the brilliance of being able to be.

Aries represents the Self, your Ego & Appearance, root and spirit.

In my experience, the discovery of oneself starts with… Appearance; how others perceive, see and to an extent — validate you. This is a starting point, but let me say, understanding yourself through the eyes of another is not often reliable or wise. Some mean well, others don’t — and on the flipside, we tend to wear masks in our relating to others. I don’t think it starts off deceitfully or intends to progress in that direction — wearing a mask might mean you are learning to protect yourself, form a filter, develop a boundary. This escalates only perhaps when mask-wearing becomes a go-to because we lack awareness, a faith in ourselves and in others for whatever reasons. All this, most sticky, when curtailing, guarding and restraining yourself comes at the cost of your evolution, expansion and overall progress.

Superficiality is often associated with one’s appearance — I don’t see it as the villain it’s made out to be. Masks, if indeed a self-preservation tactic you adopt — with time, should feel like the security blanket you put away because it served its purpose and now something different is required to support the you you’re filling into. For me, this is akin to feeling the energy of your First House in the way that you know to take care of yourself and set boundaries but also know to not hold back because you consider the judgements & speculation of others. Getting to know myself has helped water other areas in my Life. … in befriending myself, I embarked on a journey of accepting. This led me to see past ‘bravado’ and false mirrors. Self-discovery supplemented my getting lost in the Pathless Woods.

Remembering who you are involves shedding old beliefs and sinking into (new) truths. Of the practices that worked for me: a mix of journalling (I count shadow-work as part of the process), obtaining my Birth Chart and doing personality quizzes. Quizzes, when crafted and formulated with care, are so underrated. Seemingly frivolous at face value, yet insightful in noting things about yourself, helping identify who you are. Identity is useful because it shows us to own our traits. Discerning between healthy and harmful labelling comes in time. Let’s, first, find out who you are.

I stumbled upon this phrase through Twitter if I recall correctly: People tell on themselves. What it means is that actions tell you more about someone than what they might directly divulge. Consider you having forgotten what it means to be you, to feel like you, to know what makes you tick — starting with a journal is a (good) place. Give it time, and its revelations (well, yours) will serve you ably. In a manner of speaking, you learn to detach and observe like an eye looking in. This makes it easier to accept and note, connect the dots, find patterns and recall who you were or used to be before you forgot.

Understanding your true nature comes next. For it is through history and observations, that we accept — in turn, inviting us to deduce how we move forward. Remembering who you are makes you note not just forgotten passions and traits — but what shaped you, what your influences were, what your reasons were for behaviours past and such. Eventually, you train yourself to glide through the corridors of the past with your feet resting firmly in the Soils of the Present. Who are you, now? What do you like, what do you not? Unearthing a hidden you is monumental, and there is no denying that sometimes it is going to hurt, just a little bit.

Reemerging into the World after a long period of Discovery — after significantly expanding and evolving beyond what you knew and were fed — is going to make you feel w a y s. You’re you, you’re different. You know better, you choose better. This means perhaps leaving certain choices, habits, people and things in the past. No doubt that this is the nature of Life, of change, but it might, at first, feel like what you choose to forsake or resist comes at you, hard. Growing pains are to be expected. Within time, you might note a sense of centredness within which comes from trusting yourself and training yourself to see beyond chaos and to, instead, look at the bigger picture. You master turning with the tides, not being controlled by them or the situation. You embody, rarely explain. Appearance counts, sure, but proving your worth to the World drives you no longer & is a waste of your magick.

Closing words

I preach as I practise, and take in. Feeling like you do not know who you are or have become — traumatic and vexing as it is in the moment is a place to start. Journalling, I maintain, is a worthwhile tool for this. Initially, you may regard it as a form of release. In due time, you might see how it helps regulate the body’s sometimes extreme, erratic emotional responses. What’s expelled out onto paper or into a phone doesn’t have to be done and dusted with … Reflecting on your admissions with the help of Professionals and tools — these writings could evolve into a Grimoire of yourself for you if you wish. You learn: what works for you, how things help or harm you. You see, better: your blind spots, biases, behaviours. Shifts and significant changes within are perceptible to you. You foster compassion for yourself, percolating into compassion for others. What’s best: Ain’t nobody can tell you about you what you don’t already know. You’re in!

God Bless You

Thank you for reading.

A note: Let it be known that much as it’d be sweet, that you feel welcome here, experiences and views expressed on Rosewater. are deeply, truly, madly personal. (Unless stated otherwise.) Should they strike a chord with your own musings and reflections, that’s lovely, and if not, that’s cool too. This collection contains no facts, solo personal musings and truths.

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Hello, my name is Roanna Fernandes.

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