Wolf Moon

Magick in the Moonlight feat. Carlito by Roanna Fernandes

Rosewater. was born out of a desire to do things differently, to list out my experiences, feelings and moments in the here and now as I gradually began living my Life’s truth. A motley of tingz this garden contains, and it is my hope that should you visit — you find something medicinal here. Formerly, this space was titled Rosewater. It still is. However, in the name not being unique & that someone else got here, first, I tweaked the URL to now read as Rose and the Moon. It holds the same meaning for me even if the words are different. I currently express myself via this platform through drawing, photographs and writing.

I decided to update a few things on Rosewater., this past evening. The paragraph you read above was to form my bio on the About page. I was chuffed and ready to hit the publish button. Unfortunately, I momentarily forgot about the 160-character limit.

I don’t think it’s often necessary to know everything about someone before you decide you like or vibe with them and the things they do which is why I didn’t have a detailed bio before. Then again, this seemed to resonate, and it made me think it’d be nice for readers who visit to get a sense of this space.

Cutting to… Last night.

I struggled whilst stringing together sentences for this essay. I didn’t have a topic or outline in mind, I was feeling some typa way. I wrote things that I deemed better suited for my journals than this public one I let the world in on. I couldn’t assemble thoughts reasonably, & called it a night. While dawdling in bed before sleep hit, I thought Why could I not be vulnerable about some of that on here? I mean, the purpose of this space was to strike that sweet spot of feeling at Home within even in the midst of surrounding chaos.

So, here I am, feeling better placed in the way that I do not wish to censor bad moments or wait for them to pass before I can communicate again. I hold stuff I would like to share, and I embrace the in-between. This essay, a trajectory of many different points — I promise there’s Story behind the meandering.

This afternoon, things on resilience came to mind. Owing to the temporal nature of my work sitch (i.e. bagging assignments on a steady basis) — I post a lot about work and my shop on my personal Twitter account. I am not popular on there by any means, and it isn’t a goal of mine to be. Not for the moment, anyway. I love the platform, I regard it as part-public-journal, part-venting-ground… a place where I can connect and socialise with others. I use it to look up opportunities & requests, to seek out potential gigs. Lately, whilst being on Twitter, my self-esteem felt like it took a hit in my feeling less than about shop updates that received no warmth, no eyes.

Being invisible is something I prefer, ordinarily, especially whilst in Hermit mode but it is another thing when work goes unnoticed or gets passed over. More than criticism or rejection, sheer ignorance does it for me. It makes me think things that I can’t possibly control or know to be true like whether people dislike me, what I have to say and my art. It makes me sad and testy.

This isn’t a Woe is me post, and well, if it reads like it, it’s okay. We get to feel these things, it’s natural. What I do holds immense emotional value for me. Whilst learning to separate the two, I bear in mind that in my choices — I mustn’t consciously limit myself or forget I have worth and value outside of what I do. I do not wish to be considered for just what I bring to the table, I am more than that. We all are, just saying. In the same breath, it feels conflicting & demotivating when I recall the kind things people have said to me about my work or L-O-V-I-N-G it on the ordinary when it is free and they receive things but when it comes to buying — they are in two minds about it or go with other shops they like. Which is fine. Admittedly, I hoped for a better response reg. my second set on studio jupiter; I think this is partly due to the fact that it is my sole source of income right now. Until avenues open up for me, again.

(Art is subjective and isn’t an essential need. I know this.)

So… Resilience. Bouncing back… All that, all that.

I don’t know if it was the Sun moving into Aquarius or what, but I thought to myself — it’s okay. I say this a lot through this essay, I mean it. My feelings led me to recognise I yet again stepped into murky Twitter territory in being eager to connect & reconnect with others and be my sunny self on the platform. I forget sometimes that I don’t know many of these individuals in real life nor do they, me. Because I tend to operate alone, it doesn’t mean everyone else works the same way or gets it. Do you know what I mean? I value the community in terms of what it gives me, the camaraderie and company. I understand that intentions can be misconstrued off-screen. Honestly, this can be chalked down to everyone having got their own thing going on.

Still, it felt like my art was getting the short end of the stick, and it did not bode well for the Heart that built my latest set. Circling back to the tenacity thing — I think it’s worthwhile to admit what’s amiss, to examine your vulnerabilities so long as we don’t allow fleeting states to determine our reality. Perspective is skewed in those moments. Bouncing back means you sought refuge, you took stock of what was serving you, you visited a local petrol pump (inflatable-blowing station in this case), got filled up with air again and are on your merry way now. Pinpricks are part of the journey, and you do not know if you will meet your end at the very start, mid-way or until after. An unknown. But the pricks do not have to be breaking point for you (pun intended).

We should consider not using the Language of resilience to downplay one’s ability to dust themselves off and try again or imply that any of it is e f f o r t l e s s. It takes time. The people around you are mostly only privy to the surface level of what you got going on, they don’t know your story nor the truth in its compositeness. Which means you take time apart from the task at hand — you seek other avenues, change course or course-correct, if you have to.

Twenty days into 2022, & I don’t know what the future has in store. Does anyone? I stay prepared (?), same as I try to not let the ‘not knowing’ deter me. To some, it may seem a dismissal, ignoring what’s outside of or surrounds me — I don’t know. I will say this: I want to live my best life, doing what I love, caring for the beings I encounter & vibe with, and letting go when it’s time.

Nothing means anything, I keep my head up. Moving on.

Thank you for reading.

A note: Let it be known that much as it’d be sweet, that you feel welcome here, experiences and views expressed on Rosewater. are deeply, truly, madly personal. (Unless stated otherwise.) Should they strike a chord with your own musings and reflections, that’s lovely, and if not, that’s cool too. This collection contains no facts, solo personal musings and truths.

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Hello, my name is Roanna Fernandes.

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Rose and the Moon

Rose and the Moon

Hello, my name is Roanna Fernandes.

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